Wants & Concerns

I found these words and want to put them out there...

" 'I need someone who will [always] be there for me. Who will stand by and not judge me and allow me to be myself. If I need help, they'll give it, if not they will simply exist supportively. There will be no criticism of who/what I am, but a loving acceptance and understanding.' "

***

...at one point while I was living in Maryland I became very, nay EXTREMELY, body conscious. And while I didn't really gain a lot of weight where it went and how I looked bothered me. It didn't help that Donovan picked on me about it and it finally got to the point where I decided to give some diet pills a chance. Just to get off the "excess" and then stop.

Little did I know how they worked or what they'd do to me.

Long story short - they increased my heart rate to quite honestly a very dangerous level (my normal resting heart rate = ~ 60 to 62) it was upwards of 184. Needless to say it messed with my breathing due to my short, shallow breaths I started almost panting. Such an ??? severely reduced the quality (and amount) of oxygen I was getting.

We were downstairs on the couch for whatever reason (sex oriented) he was "mad" at me. I started to get upset because I had done all to please him and for some other stupid reason all this fueled a panic attack which honestly came on in a "slow" fashion but also wouldn't let up.

It got to the point where I had to go to the ER.

I got so scared that with my breathing being so messed up I would lie down in bed and stop breathing and no one would know.

P.S. When you can't breathe, lying down makes it worse!!! And part of the reason I didn't want you to leave was for the same reason I was afraid originally and you "leaving me" made it that much worse.

Signs

It's been awhile, but part of what brings me to write today is the finding of a praying mantis in my kitchen sink. With all of the change and tumult it seemed to me an important sign worth looking into and lo and behold I was right. The Praying Mantis speaks about stillness and silence, with all the change I take it that this is meant to point to what I need to be doing right now and how to proceed forward and through these issues. Talking has not been helping. Words have been misconstrued, arguments have ensued on a constant basis and many a harsh word have been exchanged. So perhaps it is really time to step back and away from the situation to gain better perspective and to really sit with the problem(s) and work through them slowly and carefully instead of rushing into them and just stirring up more problems.

It is evident by my health that I have been putting way too much stress on my body, but it comes time to realize what this is doing and the toll it takes and what it means. It makes me think that I ought to walk the path of "Death" and clear out/harvest away those things from my life that I no longer need or want.

Reflection

I saw him last night and it was hard, I felt the emotions and they swarmed over me like ants. I cried, he cried, we held each other. But for me, it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough because the love wasn't the same, I had already let go and a big part of me had moved on. Our love wasn't pure anymore, but tainted and stained with the negativities of our past together. I believe that if something is meant to be between us, then it will be, but all in all that time is not here and now.

With "Derby" I am happy, he shows me his affection in all ways all of the time. He sits and talks with me and understands me. There is no strangeness between the two of us. It does not feel strained or awkward to communicate with one another and there is a definite shared empathy. It is unlike any other relationship I've been in.

This is the beginning of my new life, and I want to move away from the old, the things I do not want in my life, the hurts, pains, and regrets that keep holding me back and move forward into that bright, beautiful future that I long for.

I'm going to start reading Wayne Dyer's "The Power of Intention" tonight, and steadily go through his other works, maybe even making notes here and there.

Moving Along...

I'm almost upset that I didn't get to write anything yesterday, but "Ce la vie"! Time to start keeping positive. Thus far I have made the bed, gotten into jammies (I was too tired to change last night), done my morning yoga, some laundry for work, and even did a drumming session with my brand new drum :).

I'm glad it's Friday because that means the work week is almost over. I have some questions for Ron about drumming, sewing, and leatherwork. Surrounding myself with people who are crafting and "good souls" is really helping.

I mean to finish scanning one of these books today so I can send it back to the library, deposit my earnings in the bank from last night, move $5 over into my savings for yesterday, and finish my morning routine (which I did the first of the month.)

So September is starting off well.

A note, I also need to consider what I want to "harvest" for the sweat lodge, I planted seeds for my business and my healing center, but had not been "tending" to them so they really haven't grown, but I'm hoping for a late start as I've started back up with my art. Perhaps also I should consider harvesting all of the negative out of my life, include people, circumstances, and situations as I prepare for the healing of the year to come (in which my Personal Year Number is 6).

Fall Beginnings

I'm not sure where I am, and maybe it's safe to say that I'm not sure where I'm going with this. But today is as good a day as any to start, so why not? Thus far I've woken up to a wonderful man, copied some patterns, made a delicious breakfast, and did my yoga. It's a beautiful day outside and while I don't want to go to work and I stubbed my toe quite severely, I'd like to focus from this point on only on the positive.

R. Carlos Nakai plays in the background and Aggie is wondering about. I am contemplating several projects, including getting a zipper for the dog bed I sewed for her the other day. She's gotten her nails clipped, and this morning she had a nice bath.

What are my goals for the month?

• I want to have all of the library books returned and fines paid.
• Keep up with both businesses online and offline.
• Catch up on all of my bills (car, insurance, and phone).
• Get a new "day job" in nursing with great pay and benefits.
• Retire from dancing.
• Become a SuicideGirl.